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The Big Pipe Priest
The Big Pipe Priest sucks the truth through his big pipe and cleans it with his collection of tea-towels. Only then will you discover what really goes on beyond the closed doors of the animal brain.
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Panda Consumer.
The Big Pipe Priest has sucked the truth and dried it and here the shock lies. The panda admits "We're all at it, man". The soft, docile panda with the big, round black eyefur that makes it cute like bunnies, they suck on many bongs, they consume the amphetamine. Hallucinogens are the panda's best friend.
The panda stalks the seedier parts of the bamboo rushes, hanging out for kicks, injecting with dirty blowtubes. Even the tiny baby pandas now excite the nightclubs of eastern tibet with their talk of "E's and whizz" and all that. Older pandas prefer nothing to putting their feet up with a big spliff in one paw and enough bamboo to munch on for an hour in the other.
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I've seen it,man, I'm telling ya.
Like this guy, totally fecked, like gone, the panda clears the runway.
Climbing feckin' trees, man, swinging like feckin chimps. Look at it. Look at it.
"Naww,man, I ain't done nothing wrong like. I mean, E's man, like, I'm just swingin' mate, ya know what I mean. I love ya, man, I love ya. No I really do, man." said Coco today.
Bamboo loving charity organisations lept on to the far east stock market and began pummeling it with a piece of wood - incidents which are believed to be related and yet the Foreign Office still claims not to know how or who we are.
If you tied up any leading politician, gave em a load of pills, smacked em around a bit then demanded they tell you about Pandas, they'd probably say something like..
"My oldest Panda memory begins with glass, tinted glass, lining stinking walls of London Zoo. One of the Pandas has scrawled "Panda Freedom" on the rear wall, in his own blood. The handwriting was atrocious. The Panda sits, quietly, his back to the wall, a heroin needle dangling softly from the corner of his mouth. The syringe, despite his best efforts, refuses to light. The hot plastic drips on to his fat, furry, useless genetalia."
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| Coco : Amphetamine Panda Whore
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When the Panda discovered that smoking bamboo is useless, they all sucked their brains through mullet.
This panda, sucked his brain through mullet three times, and once shot it out through summer. Never, in present recent memory have pandas lived the way they do now.
The pandas man, watch yer stash, watch yer stash. You seen them man, they're desparate these days. On the hard stuff now. They've lost it,man, they've gone over the edge. No coming back now. Phoooeee.
A panda bringing home his two children on smack and crack and jack and jill, dangerous animals underneath their fur of fur, their coat that thinks, his silk but it is his chain mail - that makes small knives useless like a bleeding leg in a hungry sharks pool, this is no panda to bring these children home.
The Truth, is shocking, that's where it lies. Yet still, thousands of tiny, innocent children are exposed to the fierce and dirty world of Hard-Drug infested Panda Parentage. We Must Act.
Take the kids away from their smacked-up panda parents. Send them to a home and mentally abuse them. It's the only answer.
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| "Too stoned to walk" |
Later topics in this series will include :
Meercats - What are they all looking at?
The correct way to eradicate a species
How to hide a Blue Whale
More gratuitous animal experiments
Peaches
Pears
(Except the last bits which are just fruit)
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