Film star Jack Nichlaus once said "I love to woomph, I do. I can't get enough of it. But it's the fear of phong that makes it, really. I mean, you can't really have a good woomph without the occasional phong.". You can't argue much with that ; I mean, this guy really knows what he's talking about. And indeed there are those for whom, and there are those times when, a phong doesn't seem so bad.

Come on, we all must admit it - There has been at least three, maybe six, times in our lives when we've experienced the inevitable phong and not cried out in insoluble agony. Perhaps even been grateful. So that's our question..

Woomphing without Fear : Good for you or shite?

Golfing legend Jack Nicholson once said "Fack that,man. Fack that phong fack. I've had enough facking phongs for one facking day, man. Why this great, pig-arsed facking lord can't just let me woomph in peace without facking phonging all round the facking place. Fack me. " We've all been there, I know I have. But let's take a moment and step back from this swirling dust-cloud of rampant, tearaway emotion, and suck in the dank airs of reality. Imagine, if you can, a world without phong, a world of pure woomph, a world where every shot is a wombat. Hard to believe, I know, but try.

I believe it is best described by beat-generation writer, Jack Spratt in his infamous novel, "On the road (to Woomph Central)" but unfortunately I can't remember what he actually said, ah well. Still, the point is certainly a valid one, one which I think we could all agree with, although just an opinion, subjective as opinions are. To answer the question objectively, we need to enter the exciting World of Science. We need to perform..

Gratuitous Animal Experiments

We took two innocent monkeys from their natural habitat and, using a combination of rewards, repetition and a cattle rod, trained them to Woomph. The first monkey was able to Woomph freely without the fear of phong, as this monkey Woomphed on an early version, before collision detection had been written. The second monkey Woomphed in a world of black holes and assymetrical orbits, phongs were frequent and violent. The smell of the fear of phong was ever-present and combined with the monkey's natural odours to create a kindof sweet, fruity smell. No-one knows why. After 30 days, the monkeys' ability to Woomph and general physical and mental health were observed.

The picture to the left shows the first monkey after one month of phong-free Woomphing. Experiments performed at the time showed his Woomphs to be irregular, half-hearted and irregular. (And half-hearted). The monkey seemed to show little interest in Woomphing, instead preferring to eat bananas and swing from trees. All of the researchers present agreed that this was very strange indeed, so they killed the monkey with an axe.

The difference between the monkeys were startling.

The picture below shows our second monkey one month into the experiment. He is pale & withdrawn, his Woomphs tight, aggressive and occur frequently. He spends much of the day wearing cowboy gear, sitting on his pretend horse muttering "Woomph" and "Phong" at the appropriate times.

Watching the monkey Woomph was much like seeing a great painter at work. The smooth, flowing motions revealing immaculate and intricate creations with barely any discernable effort. Trajectories that were surely phongsome suddenly became tight, crafted Woomphs that would tear the brain from the head of most Woomphees. Throughout, the monkey seemed calm and relaxed, and when questioned, just said, "Wooomph.. heh... Woomph.. Phong.. Woomph.. heh" When offered a banana and a chance to swing through the dense forests of Southern Mexico, the monkey said, "Woomph.. heh" To be truthful, this was the monkey's response to just about every question, a fact which led to the monkey's rather premature demise at the hands of an impatient behavioural research assistant. When confronted by the two monkey corpses, Jack Kerouac, enemy of lard retailers worldwide, was quoted as saying, "Well that clinches it. You've got to have the fear of phong. Live fast, Woomph hard, leave a good-looking monkey corpse in a cowboy suit."