Ahh, the many-faceted beauty of two-dimensional gravity calculations. The wonder of the innate animal ability to judge distance, speed, time, acceleration. The divine, inspirational artform that is the attraction between two masses. Ahh, the pure shimmering bliss of a good woomph, a vigorous phong or an almighty wombat.

True, these virtual words could never hope to capture that primordal tug of inevitability that grabs a woomphee by the veins of this stomach as his woomphmobile is wrenched forward with the spine-numbing jar of acceleration as the point of no return is reached and the craft drives past the closest point to the black hole and glides to the other side, staring phong in the face.

Very true, these virtual words could never hope to capture that.

Only a veteran woomphee could understand.

So, this ode to woomph is here only for those who have porked the great god of Woomph, those who have tasted the juices of phong and those who have toyed with the intricate genitalia of wombat.
Today's first topic is..

The Point of Woomph

Here we meet our first potential woomphee. A dedicated chap and no mistake, he steers close to the dreaded hole of phong.
We now approach the point of critcal woomph. Confucius once said "The line between phong and woomph is but an ant's arse". Our woomphee remains calm but he steers his ship by hope alone.
We praise the lord, for the point of woomph has passed, and our woomphee has seen the light of woomph. But, the smell of phong lingers on, like a dead cat squeezed behind a radiator.
But only now, precisely a second and a half later, does the High Priest of All Woomph bow down to his son and grant him the blessing of a "Woomph".

So, for it is written in the great book of Steve, that the true Woomph and the blessing of "Woomph" to this our woomphee are not as one, and a second and a half is the time before which he is ordained.

And praise you not on these words alone, but enter the world of science and kiss the kneecaps of Newton. For the law doth say :


So that pretty well clinches it I reckon. We must move on..

The Inevitable Phong

Our woomphee returns, his confidence high and billowing in the gentle solar winds. The future holds its loving arms open towards him and beckons him forwards with soft cries of "Yes,yes, woomph me, wooooommmph meeee.."
But today the merry gods of phongalore flow within him, and the potential woomph becomes potential phong. The shining light of woomph flickers and dims, like a candle in the empty vastness of space.
And yay, for as it is written "Any man may woomph for long but he must confront the inevitable phong".

Later topics in this series will include :

  • The Perfect Wombat
  • Woomphing without Fear : Is it good for you?
  • The Line between Phong and Wong
  • AVI clips of a rarely seen Woombat
  • Peaches
  • Pears
  • Prunes
  • (Except the last bits which are just fruit)

    There will be no more of this for now.

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